Pretty frickin amusing review from San Francisco (light on

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Hilary the Touched
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Pretty frickin amusing review from San Francisco (light on

Post by Hilary the Touched » Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:29 am

the Potter, heavy on the humour)

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.c ... 01&sc=1000

If you know what you’re doing, you make it work.

Oh, dear. Another Harry Potter column. What did you expect? The new movie is out, and I'm obsessed. You're wondering if I have a thesis. Nope, none. Where "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" is concerned, I'm wading in the shallow end of the pool. Grab a duckie and join me; the water's fine.

SPOILERS AHOY! NOT KIDDING.

How do you condense a massive children's tome into a two-hour movie? You cut. A lot. And if you know what you're doing, you make it work. Dude. "Goblet of Fire" director Mike Newell and company know what they're doing. They've compressed J.K. Rowling's rambling narrative into a film with pacing as precise as a metronome. There's bound to be bitching from people whose favorite scenes got cut -- and I'm willing to bet just about everyone will suffer some pang of loss -- but I, for one, didn't miss Hermione Granger's crusade to free the annoying house elves. Nor did I lament the loss of Harry's bumbling relatives, the Dursleys. After a few drinks, I even decided I could survive never seeing Professor Severus Snape gallivant in his gray nightshirt ... although passing up the chance to show Alan Rickman's legs can only be a mistake, man.

I was ever so pleased that the Potter kids are finally getting to act like the teenagers they are. At one point, Harry's sulking friend Ron Weasley even tells him to "piss off." You go, boy. Then there's Draco Malfoy. With the exception of the Christmas ball, he wears the same black turtleneck for the length of the film. That boy is so going to grow up to be a hairdresser. Best of all, Neville Longbottom, Hogwarts' resident nerd, struts his stuff with some splendid coming-of-age scenes. I'd even say he stole the film, if it weren't for ...

RALPHEMORT!

Newell -- or whoever -- wisely decided not to tamper with Ralph Fiennes' phenomenal eyes, and under all the ghastly Voldemort makeup, they're left to glow in all their surreal glory. The result is our first glimpse into Voldie's megalomaniacal mind: You see his lunacy, his rage, his excitement and, most important, the I'm-so-in-the-moment euphoria that prompts him to challenge Harry to an improbable duel when he should have smacked him with a rock. He's a flawed but magnetic character, and an improvement on Rowling's Scooby-Doo villain. Did I mention he's curiously erotic for a man without a nose? Yeah. Curiously erotic.

The graveyard scene, in which Voldemort is resurrected, someone dies and Harry has a lousy night, is more frenetic than in the book, lending a certain feasibility to its heroic!denouement. Voldie's five-page monologue is gone, thank God, and events move briskly. Bang, bang, bang: Plot complications pile up in a quick crescendo, leading up to the Boy Wonder's escape while Ralphemort and his Death Eaters flail and wail like the operatic divas they are. Of course, no discussion of the graveyard scene would be complete without mentioning ...

LUCIUS MALFOY!

Draco's bad daddy appears in two scenes and makes the most of them. At the quidditch tournament, he swings his snake-headed pimp cane, flounces, sneers and pokes his son. At the First Annual Death Eater Reunion Party in the graveyard, he and his Dark Lord take turns chewing the proverbial scenery. Look closely and you can even see a fringe of platinum hair peeking out from beneath his Death Eater hoodie. So perfectly ridiculous and so perfectly Lucius: Pretty as a flower, with the brain of a twig. Flash that hair! Way to be anonymous, you vain, sexeh thang. And, yes, Voldemort indeed refers to the blond bombshell as "Lucius, my slippery friend." Oh, dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. It's almost more than a girl can stand. So let's just move on to ...

The Hotness Index: Cedric Diggory, Hogwarts jock boy? Hot, even when dead. Viktor Krum, quidditch star? Hotter, though dumbed down. In a surprise move, Harry's crush, Cho Chang, is given a Scottish accent. Adorable, man. Snape's barely visible, darn it, but he minces nicely in his few remaining scenes (including a great encounter with Harry in a closet, or something akin to a closet, please leave me my metaphor).

Regrets. I have a few. I thought the movie closed on an incongruously upbeat note (hey, kids, friends are great! Or some such). There's no inkling of impending war, no universal shock at Voldemort's return -- not even a gasp of surprise from Hogwarts students when headmaster Dumbledore utters his "unspeakable" name. There's just Hermione Granger sighing that things won't ever be the same -- and they won't, yet her statement reflects less on the state of the wizarding world than it does on the troublesome changes wrought by puberty. So. A good line, but not nearly enough. Screenwriter Steve Kloves needs to go off his happy meds long enough to write an unhappy ending. Because dude? "Goblet of Fire" has an unhappy ending. And it's a necessary one that sets us up for the darker world of the next Harry Potter installment, "Order of the Phoenix."

One final quibble: It's high time we see Lucius Malfoy naked. No, of course it isn't in the books. But if you know what you're doing, you make it work.

Work it with Neva at nchonin@sfchronicle.com.

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Post by Gillian » Sun Dec 04, 2005 12:00 pm

That boy is so going to grow up to be a hairdresser.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ya know, that was the first review that had me laughing out loud. And brownie points for actually mentioning Lucius in any length. But uh, "brain of a twig"?

I haven't read the books, but from what I've heard that doesn't actually sound like an an accurate assessment. Can anyone comment?

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Post by Helen8 » Thu Dec 08, 2005 2:14 am

It's high time we see Lucius Malfoy naked.

"Girl" after my own heart!

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Post by ibelong2me » Sun Nov 19, 2006 9:04 am

Just had to bump this thread up as have just discovered and read the above review...halarious!!!

fave comment had to be the 'suggestion' at the bottom:

One final quibble: It's high time we see Lucius Malfoy naked. No, of course it isn't in the books. But if you know what you're doing, you make it work.

Maybe it'll be in book/film 7? :D ;-)

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